I would like the phone.

I hate the phone. When it rings, I cringe. When I hear the beep.beep.beep sound signaling a text message, I snarl at my phone. This is why my friends are the people who understand I only want them to call me if it means setting up a time and place to meet somewhere. This is why I will never consider being in a long distance relationship ever again. Face-to-face communication I'm great at. However, as soon as I'm on the phone, my vocabulary shrinks to meaningless words such as uh-huh, yeah, aw, hmmm, oh, and the all time favorite 'I don't know..'.When making important phone calls, I need to write out scripts so I don't forget what I mean to say. Even then I mess it up.

The only thing I like about my phone is that I can set ringtones for each person. Mamma Mia! My mama is calling! Is it time for Jeopardy? Nope, it's just 'The Muz' calling!

Tina must love the phone. I'd imagine she'd have to. I believe she's a flight attendent now. Managing several long distance relationships in major cities across the nation. When she recieves 50 text messages in a matter of hours from one man, she smiles. She knows that man is meant for her. She calls up random companies just to bitch about their services, even if she isn't recieving them. Just because she can. That woman has some balls. I bet she has an iPhone too, a bedazzled one.

I would have a kid.

I love kids. That's why my summer job revolves around them, as well as my future career. Don't get me wrong, I have no intention on having children anytime soon. I need like a husband or boyfriend first. I'm sure Tina would have a kid by now. I feel like she would have started young. I'd say she'd have a five year old daughter named Margarita (named for her love of tequila).

Margarita would totally come to the park I work at. I mean who wouldn't want to hang out with me for 4 hours and play fun games like UNO, Clue, Candyland, Guess Who, and kickball? Nevermind the Slip and Slide, water gun fights, and blackberry picking.

However, Tina would be a good parent. She wouldn't drop her kid off when there's a torrential downpour going on like some of the parents at my park. She wouldn't expect me to keep her kid dry despite only having a pavillion to protect us from any formidable weather. A few wood beams and a metal roof is not my ideal form of shelter from a thunderstorm. I guess the parents in my town just aren't as capable as my imaginary friend. If they were all like Tina, I wouldn't have had to give my sweatshirt to a little girl dressed in a tank top and skirt (in wet weather, with temperatures in the 50s). I don't care if you're a crackwhore. That doesn't get the Dorito cheese and Plaster of Paris off my sweatshirt.

I don't have a kid though. I have a hamster named Benita. I wouldn't put it past her to be popping out a few kids herself soon.

I would be a gambler.

Tina gambles. She particularly likes Blackjack. Her poker skills amaze even the most skeptical of men.

I once watched a lifetime movie where a woman was addicting to gambling and lost all her grocery money in a slot machine. I think her big problem was that there was a slot machine in a grocery store, conveniently next to the wine. Who puts a slot machine in a grocery store?

I don't gamble. I'm not that brave. But if I did, my life would be so cool. I would be able to dish out amazing advice to people, such as this;

You've got to know when to hold them. Know when to fold them. Know when to walk away. Know when to run. You never count your money when you're sitting at the table. There'll be time enough for counting when the dealing's done.

Basically I want to gamble so I can have a Kenny Rogers song written about me.

The song is perfect relationship advice. You've got to know when to keep them. Know when to weed out the losers in the beginning. Know when you can be friends. Know when they're crazy, and quickly plan the escape. Don't count on anything working out how you planned. Most men will fuck everything up regardless.

No wonder I suck at relationships. I can't play poker.

I would be eating Peppermint Bark.

Tina would have been smart enough to stock up on that delicious crunchy/smooth chocolaty-peppermint piece of heaven before it went back into hibernation. Now if I want it, I'm going to have to spend $25 to get 4 bars of it off of Ebay. It might be worth it though, my craving for it cannot be denied. I can almost feel it jumping on my taste buds.

I think I'm experiencing the need for a little Christmas in July. I want to go find a JCPenney Christmas catalog and make my Christmas list right now. I think there's a Polly Pocket Mansion with my name on it. I

While I'm at it, I want some Ecto Cooler too. I bet Tina stocked up on that before Hi-C(or Minute Maid, whatever) made the biggest mistake of their lives and discontinued it. While I was busy making perfectly sun baked mud-pies as a child, she was hoarding Ecto Cooler.

My original plan for today consisted of possibly going down the river with a few friends and drinking wine straight out of the box(the best possible way to celebrate a holiday). This crappy weather isn't having any of that though. I guess I'll just have to settle for a 4th of July cookout with the family, and some patriotic looking cake. Maybe I'll smuggle some fireworks from across the Pennsylvania border while I'm at it. Happy 4th everyone!

I would drink black coffee.

Tina would like black coffee. Hell, she probably drinks mugs of straight espresso in the morning. She doesn't sleep either. She runs on coffee beans.

I envy the people that can just drink straight black coffee. How do you do that? That's seems like some dedication there. I need to have a delicate balance of cream and sugar before it even seems worth it. My life could be so much easier if I just gave in to the taste. Dunkin' Donuts is a stressful place for me. That's right, I said Dunkin' Donuts, not Starbucks. Black coffee drinkers are like the cowboys of the morning beverage world. To me, black coffee is the equivalent of walking into a saloon and saying; "Hey Bartender! I'll have a whiskey, straight up." My hat's off to you coffee cowboys.

I'm actually not really a fan of coffee. No, I'm a fan of half-and-half. I fill about half of my coffee cup with the creamy, delicious, artery clogging, goodness, and the other half with that harsh coffee substance. My parents make fun of me and ask; "Would you some coffee with your half-and-half?". No I don't. In fact, I've been known to put the delicious substance in my hot chocolate, and in regular chocolate milk.

I guess I'm just a morning beverage pansy. Give me a cup of hot tea, filled halfway with milk, and I'm content. However, if I could start every morning with a Mimosa(or 4) instead, it would be ideal. I think even Tina would agree.

I would never have a hangover.

Tina would have to be one of those women who can wake up after a blissful night of drinking and feel perfectly fine. The woman probably has ibuprofen coursing through her veins. I bet she can throw back shots of tequila with ease.

I, on the other hand, am the queen of hangovers. I'm not talking about the kind of hangover that results in a nagging headache. I'm talking about what seems to be mild alcohol poisoning and leaves me bedridden and throwing up all the goodness from the night before until 5 pm or so. I'm sure my liver is trying to tell me something, but unfortunately for my liver, I'm in control. He doesn't have legs or arms. Sucks for him. I do think my poor liver needs a name though. Any suggestions? And if you're thinking of naming him Chachi, you're too late. That name is already in commission for my stomach.

I suppose I saw the hangover coming anyway. I sang, I danced with a bald midget-like man, I drank a lot of beer. I karoaked 4 different songs ranging from REO Speedwagon's Keep on Loving You to Coolio's Gangsta's Paradise. What can I say? I'm versatile. I got home around 4 and I swear I crawled into bed that night, right after I cleaned up the water I spilled all over my bedroom floor. Somehow I woke up on my rec-room couch instead.

I would be friends with Amish.

Actually, Tina probably wouldn't be friends with an Amish person. She's a little too spicy and combative. Her personality would clash with the peaceful Amish demeanor. However, if she really wanted to have everything that I want, she would be.

My family has gone to Lancaster County, PA every summer since I was about 4 years old. In the almost twenty years that I've visited this Amish rich community, I've come to get to know quite a bit about the Amish culture. You might call it an obsession even, and I'm proud of it.

Specifically, I remember when I was about sixteen and eating breakfast at a smorgasbord with my family, I saw an Amish boy(about my age) and his father eating across the room. He was a very hunky looking Amish boy. I fell in love with the Amish community at once, and dreamed of the day that we would be married and have a dozen little Amish babies. I would spend all of my time cooking, cleaning, sewing, and popping out babies. It would be a dream come true. If only they used electricity.

Reality hit, and I came to the realization that I am far too high-maintenance to ever live their lifestyle. If I'm too high-maintenance, Tina surely would be. Then again, I do believe she disappeared while I was on the hippo ride at Dutch Wonderland...

P.S. Hunky Amish boy, if you decided to leave the Amish culture during Rumspringa, I'm here, and single.